I never wanted to be a widow, not that anyone does, but when I began this journey in 2003, all I could feel was extreme pain and loss. I knew life as I had known it was over and it was.

    I recalled how eagerly I had approached my wedding day almost thirty-three years before. Marriage was what I had dreamed of all of my life, and even though it came with many adjustments, I loved my role as Mike’s wife.

    I thought of other dreams that were fulfilled during those precious years of marriage….the title of “Mom” was probably the most awesome, although becoming a grandma ranked up there, too!

    Each one of those new assignments had come without instructions but eagerly I’d searched for information that equipped me for the cherished roles. I talked with others, read books, and investigated anything that would help me to be a better wife, mother, or grandmother.

    Then abruptly this unwanted role hit and I went from wife to widow over night – I didn’t recognize it as a new role. I saw it as an ending of my dreams.

    After months of grieving, I realized that I stood with a choice: I could learn to embrace my role as a new assignment and expect God to bring forth glory, or I could remain a broken vessel. Then I prayed, “God, help me to see the hidden treasure in this darkness.”

What treasure have I found so far?

· As I’ve learned to embrace this path as one chosen for me by God, my “alone” time has become precious time with Him. Isaiah 54:5 says “your Maker is your husband!”

· As I’ve learned to look to Him, expecting Him to turn this pain into glory, I have seen His hand move in wonderful and unexpected ways. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that “His plans for me are for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.”

· As I’ve learned to count my blessings in the midst of the ambushes of grief, my pain has been eased. James 1:2-3 does say to “Count it all joy when you go through trials and tribulations.”

· As I’ve opened my heart to others who are hurting, I' seen II Corinthians 1:4 fulfilled…”who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.”

Is this an assignment I would have chosen? No! Have I missed God’s best for me in the middle of the pain?  Yes, I have.  But I am learning that there truly is treasure in the darkness. With His help, I’ll continue to search for it and I’m learning ‘alone’ is solitude with God and He is my Husband.

Isaiah 45:3 LT And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name

I married the love of my life when I was nineteen

He died when I was fifty-two and I felt half of me had been ripped away. I wasn’t equipped for the challenges that lay ahead or the single life that I didn’t want. I’ve failed in many ways but He’s strengthened me at my lowest points and made His presence known.  I’m so thankful for His Grace and His comfort. He is More than ENOUGH.

He heals he brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. Psalm 147:2

HOPE:  Knowing my future is brighter than my past because of Who’s leading me.

Hope: grief’s best music.

God rekindles burned out lives with fresh hope.

Mike ad Pam

      1970

Jan & Mike

   1999

A New Role

Pam & Mike

      1997